It has been over 2 years since I posted to this blog. Below are my thoughts about resolving a current issue.

August 15, 2015

I'm 68 going on 69. Why am I back, reliving, a kind of teenage romance thing? It has been over 40 years since I was in a dating scene. And believe me the repeat performance has been just as painful as whichever romance I experienced in my young adult years.

I suppose I could blame it on Marcia. She said she wouldn't abandon me and in the end she did. My reasoning(blaming Marcia) is as follows:
I was 27 when we got married. Marcia was 20. Little did she realize what a fruitcake she had partnered.
I was carrying a lot of baggage up in my little cranium. What did you do when you learned nothing was permanent? I decided nothing was permanent and built my set of crude walls to filter my experience.
I decided it was hard to trust people because they were impermanent.
When I fell in love it was always head over heels, full steam ahead, in my own way, which looking back, could be seen as plodding. (out of flow, possibly, but it will fit down the way)
Marcia was a smart person and picked up on the primary issue. Abandonment!! Yep, I said it. Young as she was she didn't have the life experience to have some good tools at hand. She certainly did later. Abandonment and trust have a symbiotic relationship. She was trustworthy early during the beginning years. And for the remaining of our time together. So if you trust someone then you will believe them when they say, "I will not abandon you." And I did.
  We were married 37 years. To me a long time to trust and to not be abandoned.
       And now the reasoning for blaming Marcia has been presented. As you can see pretty weak.

And now back to the primary question. Why am I reliving the pain of romance? The idea of romance seems a bit absurd when you have reaped the payoff, joy, of a romance becoming a relationship. A relationship committed to growing, changing, evolving, into something new and different.

I believe myself to be a mature adult. Wise in his years.(although, the challenge of romance being added to the mix is daunting to say the least) I am therefore looking at relationship more than romance, although intimate romance is certainly what has gotten me to this current state.

What am I gonna do about it? I'm doing the best way I know how.

If it, love, is about relationship more than sex, which to me has been the cherry(not a maraschino) on top. And right now I'm trying to make the distinction between the early time when the drive to procreate love(young adult) motivates and the later time when love is more relationship oriented. My preference is for relationship.

So, what have I taught myself if relationship is what I value more than sex? To me, then it is pretty easy to understand why I wasn't chosen for a long lasting relationship going forward. If a foundation, previous history, to a relationship has already been established then, at my age, the easy choice is to go with the relationship having a foundation. Looking at myself as best I can it seems like I am still a piece of work, relationship(ly) speaking. Weighing the two choices between a relationship having a foundation versus the relationship needing lots of work seems an easy choice. Yeah, at my age I would choose the former over the latter. (currently listening to a solo piano playing the Theme From Love Story, it fit). I do like the excitement of forging a relationship with a new someone. And it will be someone new. Marcia's gone.

Working on a new relationship belies the idea one is always working on relationships when engaged with others. The difference between working on a relationship with a foundation versus one with a new person is familiarity. Familiarity provides context to building the relationship going forward, therefore less work. At my age less work is preferable.

My favorite mode of operation is silence. Probably, most likely, due to my belief in impermanence in turn leading me to not comment on my current state, how I feel or think about my current state of being. I have to work on my silence if I really do seek a relationship with another female of the human species. Marcia put up with it and learned how to deal with it effectively. I can't expect a new relationship to understand nor comprehend what is happening internally with me.

Yes, and cooking for myself, and then others, will help.