April 29, 2020

Right now, I feel okay. The left side, the left arm of the ‘U,’ stills generates a presence, a large lump expressing itself. Pain discomfort is currently minimal. I like that. 

May 1, 2020

Yesterday was scan day. An Echo cardiogram in the AM at a Salem clinic and a PET scan in the afternoon in Portland. They were scheduled on the same day on purpose. I guessed the Echo would take not more than an hour based on previous experience. I was in a little after 11 and back in the pickup by 11:30. The PET was scheduled for 2 PM. I arrived at 12:30, checked in, sat down ready to spend the next hour and a half with my nose in my phone, but a minute or 2 later a nurse came out and called my name. I was all done with the PET by 3, an hour earlier than originally planned. Dameon had scored food for us while waiting for me with a friend. Beans and rice with guac.  I ate it all. I don’t always clean my plate nowadays. Oh yeah, a little detail. The PET required water only after 8 AM per the original appointment instructions. I’d only had one cup of black coffee prior to 8, but the nurse needed to check with someone to determine if a cup of coffee would affect the PET. I was an hour and half early, remember? A determination was made the coffee would not be an issue. Dameon bought the bowl at Whole Bowl(?) food truck. By writing the business name here I may be anchoring it in my brain for next time. Nectar is another business name to anchor in my brain for hunger reasons. 

The 4/29 entry is so short because I was very good at being distracted by other ‘important’ things, like money (as a symbol) and stem cell treatment. Money? I realized at some point in my life the pursuit of wealth wasn’t a goal for me. I cannot name a moment in my life when I revalued the concept of money. I agree with those who say money is only a concept (you can’t eat a dollar bill as your only food source and live!!) and it has become so intertwined in our lives people would sacrifice other humans to gain wealth. To me, at this present time, money signifies an exchange between humans. It is naming the exchange and saying we all do this (the exchange) and boiling it down to its essence. And I’m slamming on the brakes with this monetary distraction as it is huge, abstract, and yet, my question remains how do we name the simplification money really isn’t? Every exchange is equal. No one is more equal than another. We are experiencing, right now, what it is like when the drive for money is depressurized. How do you describe no pressure for money if the need for money is not there, at all? I shall discuss this more as I have breached it now several blogs worth of time.

Stem cell treatment is on the horizon (future, hint, hint), I mean like a week from yesterday the actual tests they, OHSU, do the Kaiser oncologists haven’t already done will begin. Next Thursday will begin a number of trips to Portland. Heck, Dameon and I even did a rehearsal drive, so yesterday’s trip was pretty easy. I believe I even took a cat nap while riding along. 

The idea of stem cell treatment seemed to come out of the blue. Perhaps the idea had been previously communicated, but if so, it went right by me. It hit me in the car after a chemo or infusion treatment session when the Kaiser Liaison Nurse Practioner called me and told me stem cell treatment had been recommended by my oncologist. He was under the impression I had been previously informed. He proceeded to scare the shit out of me and thank God the sphincter muscles were working during that conversation. The idea of only feeling pain from my bones scares me, bone deep pain. I do not seek that kind of pain in my life. And the thought I will experience that kind of pain for TWO weeks is scary.  My fear stems from what I heard the NP describing to me and I believe his training says no tricks, straight talk, you are about to experience the following process which can be intense. I want the reader to be clear I am relating only my perception as to what I thought I was hearing. Fear can be distracting, ya know? There will be bone marrow tests, there will be a vacuuming of healthy stem cells from my bone marrow. Those cells will be frozen until needed later (oh, my god, how much later?!?). Then the next, up to two weeks, of a chemical wash of all the remaining bone marrow, 'cause that is the kind of chemicals they use at this stage, says me mucho sarcastically. Doctor, doctor, I got no bone marrow. What am I gonna do?  

Kind of stopped me for a moment searching for the appropriate transitional word or phrase and decided this one works fine. 

Remember the frozen stem cells? They get warmed back up and are infused back into my body. Then begins the thirty days of waiting. Ideally, they, OHSU, want me within one hour’s drive from them if my fever spikes. A week ago, Tuesday, I had a scheduled conversation with an actual OHSU doc. The doctor went over the procedure again with the timelines being shorter the only real difference than what I had first heard. Less than 2 weeks in the hospital and not that long a wait for the replacement cells to do their thing. I asked what are the odds the transplant takes. 50/50 is what the doctor said.  The process I go through and the fact they want to proceed indicates to them and me, I am a candidate who will succeed. Upfront the doctor said their stats look good because they carefully choose people who present as able to come out the other end of the transplant process successfully. The other end of this process is very intriguing. All the ‘bad’ cells have been removed and replaced with healthy, ‘good,’ cells. In some respects, I will be rebuilt on the inside. The other side looks very intriguing, indeed.